|The Theory Formerly Known as "Massacre"|
Just when you thought it was dead and gone for good (or bad), a certain "Theory" has arisen again and endeavors to gnaw on the brains and brain power of all involved with Bigfooting. Despite factual debunking from numerous credible sources, as well as this blog, it persists in various places. The voice of this theory issues forth like a persistent subliminal message saying "Be Dumb, Be Dumb, Be Dumb" from a certain ArtistFirst Bigfoot Central "radio" station. A certain Southern-Fried Bigfooting Forum, the name of which is coded below, is like a kennel of attack dogs for this theory. Following on the conversion of one noted "Bigfoot-Is-Human" believer, an ex-cop from the southern Bay Area, another prominent long-time BFer has lent her prodigious imaginative mind to the slow contamination of the once reliable Bigfoot Encounters web site. Where once facts and documentation once meant something, even in this somewhat wacky world of Bigfoot, now people can just make stuff up from the raw boogers of the imagination, molding them into the shapes they prefer. We are on the record debunking this "Theory" (peruse our side links for past posts and interviews), but here we'd like to forewarn you that it is BAAAACK. And it is coming to a run-down, dumpy B-grade DVD theater near you. Yes, that's right, it's... MKD's Flying Circus: "Incident at Bluff Creek." View the trailer for the film below. You will be astonished, believe us.
(The following text was found buried in the sands of Bluff Creek, scrawled in blood on an old and weather'd parchment made of Sasquatch hide. Read on if you dare!)
|Beckjord the Grey, disciple MKD, and a Bigfoot turning to leave.|
Gather round, hear the telling of the tale! Hear how around him gathered from far flung hobbitine holes the Grave Lord MonsterHunter, the stern White Queen BS, and the loyal Dark Duke Dave of Gilroy Province. Hear how he, the adamant MKD, was first set on the Path of Adventure by the wily wizard, Beckjord the Grey. Hear with thine own ear how he slew on the grand voyage that followed the grim and pitiless serpent, Giant Salamader. Hear how he righteously stole the honored Great Ring, signet of Footer of the Year, from Sir Danny of the Southwest, and how he gave it to his trusty footman, DonDon, for safekeeping lest he garner of it power too great (still, he secretively donned the ring surreptitiously, while up in his tower chamber at Castle ArtistFirst). Hear how he traveled far-flung trails to the holy site of Discovery in Bluff Creek, California Territory, a continent away from his humble home, and dangerously adjacent to the Dark Lord Green's Northern lair. Hear how MKD saw clearly that all other chroniclers were wrong, and only he the rightful and truthful heir to the truth, and the True Site.
Know that Truth descended in mighty Glory, being brought to him in grand visions of the mind (kindled by the sage herbal intoxicants given him in his tea by the sorcerer Beckjord). These hidden and cryptic truths were dispensed by him in fardels borne by myriad henchmen, lest He, MKD, be known as the Source of what to the Dark Lord Green of the North could only be taken as the Causative Slander of Great Battle. Know and see how wily MKD, like Odysseus of old, enfeebled the mind of the great warrior Cyclops of "Ape" (also known as Gigantopithius) and confounded his troops with the many-layered Onion of Conspiracy.
Yea, internally he received, and outwardly he saw, vast projections upon the landscape of the venerable Celluloid Called P-G. Famed MKD is, and rightfully, for showing in this Film the Beast of God, a human form with braided hair and stick in hand, big-footed, as she walked into glorious martyrdom and Sacrifice for all Folk of the Good South at the hands of Northern reivers, and their shadowy Wraiths of Washingtonia. She and her Relations were felled by the musket ball of the Evil Titmouse and the dread Dwarf warrior, Gimli. The grave consiglieri, Dahinde Rene documented and depicted it for All across the flat Earth to see. And they spent the wretched remainder of their days covering up their shame with fig leaf books and pamphlets on "Big Foot." Only the Noble MKD saw through the Great Lie, and only he, with the aid of his scribe, Johnny-John Grendel could decipher the mystery from the obfuscatory haze; and only they master the great technique of the Sacred rainbow DVD.
Great armies converged from all provinces upon that tiny sandbar of Bluff Creek! For yea, it was as prophesied of old, the site of End Times and Great Portent. Alerted by gaunt and raving logging company scouts in the Southlands, Lord Green with great stealth assembled his cadre of assassins to descend upon this last, Lost World tribe of Big Foot. Human they were, though hirsute, odoriferous, and of great bulk; and expert they were at avoiding all technique of fire, writing, possessions and homes. Full of Goodness they were, the bane of Lord Green. Terrible and grievous this Canadian was, and forth from his Castle Harrison Hot, poured forth his vile and sub-human, ape-like servants. Upon Bluff Creek they assembled, and there they made a large Hole upon the sandbar to receive the blood of the Sacrifice. The snare set, into the woods they dissolved, awaiting their prey.
One dark apostle, Patterson the Short, was sent forth to beguile and dissimulate among the People, false prophet of Lord Green that he was, accompanied by Gimli. His film, infernally wrought upon a mystifying strip, clipped and trimmed of all but one bloody image at its start, was soon shown upon every wall and magic glass within the known boundaries of the world circle. So great was the enchantment that no one save MKD (protected from the sleep of reason again by Beckjordian Art) knew of the baleful, sinister, exsanguinated but also redemptive Truth. Across plain and vast pinnacles, crossing, past demon and hideous guardian beasts alike, MKD traveled. To Bluff Creek he came, and to the Site he walked through wood and water, until there he found the holy relics, a metallic wire, a piece of bone. Femur of Sasquatch held aloft to the wrathful Northern skies, MKD howled and raged, imperious he stood in the canyons shadows. I shall go forth now to the world and proclaim this Terrible Mystery, he proclaimed. And a Voice came from on high, saying, "This is my prophet, and he shall be the only One in the Land who shall see, who shall know, and let all others be blinded by Science, History, and Reason."
Returning to the Southern land of Miss Is Ippy, MKD built the lone tower of Bigfoot Central, and began his arduous task of discovery and proclamation. Long days and nights he spent poring over every frame from the Film, his eyes blear and crossed, until from the still images forms began to emerge, to move, to speak to him of forgotten lore and fable. Though Massacre it was, and Murder as Big Foot was Human, MKD made firm his resolve that No Name would his Theory have. It Dare Not Speak Its Name, as such words would slay the minds of men, rendering them irredeemably lost to the realms of Day. Finally, Truth was his, and alone his, the Account of what no one else had Seen and Known, that only He, MKD, could know and see, as he was blessed with second sight, and third sight, and....
[Here the manuscript abruptly ends.]
Lest we further incur his wrath, pleased be ye to view the following occult and mystic document, smuggled out of the Southern district of YouTubia by an intrepid messenger.
|Look! There are UFOs, "Rods," Bigfoot Bones, and Space Worms in the PGF, too!|
Recently, on BIGFOOT ENCOUNTERS, Bobbie Short posted a very lengthy article analyzing film splices said to have been done to John Green's copy of the PATTERSON-GIMLIN FILM. It was a cryptically worded essay, hiding very strange implications and assumptions behind a distracting wall of technical jargon. What was she saying? Basically, first, that the "real" PGF was only thirty seconds long, and not the near minute it covers today. Huh? The other thing, which the whole essay built up to in an agonizingly long crescendo, was that there was SOMETHING in the "hole" seen at the beginning of the film, in its earliest frames. This echoed something another researcher (on Artist First) had said over and over again: there was some "thing" in that "bloody hole" at the start of the film. What WAS it, we asked. We looked at the last image for a long while, our eyes grew crossed and tired, and then, like one of those strange 3-D hidden-image books and posters, the image emerged. Here is what we saw, and now we know what these "researchers" have been talking about for all this time. Ha! Have a look below. The last few images were sent to this blog by an anonymous source; the first image is from the BF Encounters page (now removed from the site, in cowardice, we suppose), with text we added.
|Paragon and Icon of the Well-Dressed Bigfooter. Peter Byrne.|
|The door panel from Byrne's BIGFOOT RESEARCH PROJECT Jeep,|
a million-dollar-funded unit with several cool safari vehicles, paid
employees, and a lost filing cabinet full of extensive sighting reports.
|Signed by Byrne, the Jeep spare wheel cover, front and back.|
|A weathered pith helmet, signed by Byrne, which has seen many an|
expedition. One never knows when a Yeti may hurl a rock at one's noggin.
|Another, newer pith helmet, signed by Peter Byrne.|
|A true icon of Bigfooting: the Peter Byrne safari/hunting vest.|
How many rolls of film with photos of Bigfoot on them were lost in
those myriad pockets, never to be retrieved?
|Interior of the vest, signed by Peter Byrne.|
PHOTOS ABOVE BY AND COURTESY OF LARRY LUND.
Used with his Permission.
|Of course there are always alternatives....|
|Or, you could always dress like this, the modern|
para-military Squatcher image as modeled by Steve Kulls.
|How NOT to Squatch|
We just have to say... if it is true that he has done only 10% of these things listed above he would still be considered a real-life Indiana Jones. Too bad he can't add: SASQUATCH CAPTURED at the end of the list, eh?
|Image from X-Creatures, John Green's PGF copy, showing early frame|
spliced in the wrong way. See comparison merge below.
|Here is another version of the early frame. R U Serious, B.S.?|
|This, et seq., showing stabilized frame-by-frame screen captures we did.|
Do YOU see a "bloody hole"? Do YOU see a "Bigfoot Body" there?
We sure do not.
|John Green's Film Copy. The two frames merged, corrected and flipped,|
and slightly side-shifted after film break/splice, showing that there
was one sequence with nothing cut out, just two mis-spliced frames.
|Click to Enlarge and Read Images|